TOON
TOWN
Bill Maher
"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman
"Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in 'Close Encounters.' ... You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in 'E.T.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
Big changes in Washington. ... Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, 'Uh oh.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. ... Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld, right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job, which would be ok if Bush was the right man for the job." --Jay Leno
"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for." --Bill Maher
"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno
"Saturday is April Fool's Day and President Bush ... has a great April Fool's joke planned. He's going to put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman
"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart
"This Harriet Miers pick for the Supreme Court is turning out to be the most controversial pick involving the Supreme Court since...George Bush. " --David Letterman
"President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so." -- Lewis Black
"Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for an aircraft carrier." --Bill Maher
"Brown said he was stepping down because he was an ineffective leader who had lost the confidence of the people, to which Bush said, 'That's no reason to quit your job.'" --Jay Leno
"Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now -- six more weeks of vacation." --Jay Leno
"Now is a great time for President Bush to go on vacation because Iraq is pretty much under control. But a White House spokesman said Bush is using his vacation to reconnect with regular people. So you know what that means -- he's drinking again." --David Letterman
"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." --David Letterman
"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking when does he wind?" --David Letterman
President Bush has asked for Congress to come up with an energy plan. Do you know what they came up with? They want to extend daylight savings time for four weeks to save energy. That's their plan? Take a break guys -- you're really earning your money. --Jay Leno
"This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno
"The White House has also said that President Bush has begun his formal process of selecting his first nominee for the Supreme Court by reviewing key rulings. Now we all like President Bush, but do you think he spends a lot of his free time reading a bunch of legal rulings? How many think President Bush's selection process falls in the category of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe." --Jay Leno
"Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its '24/7 news coverage of car bombs,' which 'tends to leave a certain impression.' You know, that's so true. You never hear about the cars that don't blow up." --Jon Stewart
A lot of Republicans have come forward to criticize Howard Dean about his latest comments about the Republican Party. Let me tell you something -- if Dean wants to insult you and make outrageous statements he should do what the Republicans do and get a talk show on Fox News." --Jay Leno
"President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. ... There was one awkward moment -- when Bush met a rear admiral, he said I respect your lifestyle, but I don't think you should get married." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman
"The president was on a bike ride. He wouldn't have even suspected anything was going on except on the way home they didn't stop for ice-cream." --Bill Maher
"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live
"When the Secret Service told President Bush there might be an incoming plane, out of force of habit he got out a copy of 'My Pet Goat' and started reading it." --Jay Leno
President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11 --Bill Maher
"It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions words and illegal doings.'" --Tina Fey
"Bush was asked about the literacy problem. He said, 'We can solve the literacy if every American picked up just one piece of paper every day and put it in the trash." --Jay Leno
"Bush said he would never answer (the marijuana) question because he wants to set a good example for kids. He doesn't ever want them to say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, so I will.' So now instead when parents say 'Son, you been smoking dope?' they can say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush didn't answer that question and I'm not going to answer it either.'" —Jay Leno
"On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno
"President Bush just got back from Europe. He brought along a team of interpreters with him. It's the same guys he uses when he travels around America." --Jay Leno
"The Bush administration is trying to look on the bright side of the rising fuel costs. You see, I like President Bush, I'm not sure he understands these complex issues. Like today he said sure it's now costing us more then $51 for a barrel of oil, but thanks to our poor trade policy the dollar is worth way less. So it evens out." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, 'You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that.'" --Jay Leno
"President George Bush is requesting an additional $82 billion -- $82 billion for war funding. Of course that would include Afghanistan, Iraq and a country to be named later." --David Letterman
"North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. President Bush said today North Korea has nothing to fear from America. He said 'don't these people understand we only attack countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush says that his policies will bring clear skies and thick forests. As opposed to his first term, which was thick skies and clear forests." --Jay Leno
"The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran." --Jay Leno
President Bush is being criticized because his inaugural celebration cost $40 million. When asked about it, the president said, 'Sorry, but my daughters insisted on an open bar
"President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno
"Preparations are in high gear for the Bush inauguration and it's really beginning to look bad now for John Kerry. But everybody at the White House is very excited about the inauguration. Early today the Bush twins picked the designated driver." --David Letterman
The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America? I meant Chevron.'" —Bill Maher
"Things are not looking good for Donald Rumsfeld. First Sen. John McCain said he had no confidence in him. Now Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf said he's angry at Rumsfeld for not providing soldiers in Iraq with the proper armor. In fact, Rumsfeld has screwed up so badly, President Bush might have to give him one of those Medal of Freedom awards." --Jay Leno
"Last night over at NBC our good friend Tom Brokaw stepped down. Out of habit President Bush accepted his resignation." --David Letterman
"That's what they say, Arafat may be brain dead. That has to be demoralizing to his people, huh? You're leader is brain dead. Thank God that could never happen here." –Jay Leno
"Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions, and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House responds: 'Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance.'"
"Daily Show" correspondent Stephen Colbert
"Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That's not true. Bush's dad was the protection from the draft." --Jay Leno
"This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying directly to people's faces." --Bill Maher
"During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate." --Bill Maher
"Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they'll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, 'Hey, what does "formable" mean?'" --Jay Leno
"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
—George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004
"There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a president who didn't really win the election being brought down by phony documents." --Jay Leno
"Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused." --David Letterman
"According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" —David Letterman
"The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'" --Bill Maher
"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno
"The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America? I meant Chevron.'" —Bill
"President Bush announced today he'll approve the sale of four destroyers to Taiwan. Bush is trying to walk a fine line between helping Taiwan and not angering China. Bush admitted today he is not used to dealing with two different Chinas. In fact, Bush's staff admitted today that he still doesn't get the Dakotas thing." —Jay Leno
"There's talk that Vice President Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican ticket. There's a good move; lose the smart guy." —Jay Leno
"Big news coming out of Washington, Dick Cheney will be running again for vice president. He says he is very healthy and that he has a doctor watching him 24 hours a day. This is a big improvement, it used to be a coroner." —David Letterman
"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall. — David Letterman
"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman
"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman
"With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" —Conan O'Brien
"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I thought he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman
"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno
"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno
"Bush and Cheney will make a joint appearance in front of the commission. To make sure Bush is really speaking, they're going to have Cheney drink a glass of water when Bush talks." —Jay Leno
"During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the 'intelligence community.' And he doesn't want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we're okay there." —Jay Leno
"The White House announced that it's sending a company of troops to Kosovo. So far we have sent American troops to Afghanistan, Haiti, Iraq and now Kosovo. President Bush says the goal is to send as many soldiers overseas as we have jobs." —Jay Leno
"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno
"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." —Jay Leno
"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." —Jay Leno
They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard.
President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?"
Dear Sir / Madam,
I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.
I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.
In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring Islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.
My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.
My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.
Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.
I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.
I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.
I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.
Sincerely with warm regards,
George Walker Bush
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov
